Oleg Kuvaev and patrons present: Masyanya. Episode 160. Wakizashi
I'm home!
Hey, Hrundel! Who's asleep in our bedroom?
Wtf is this?
Oh, that's Shaggy. I gave him plenty of tequila.
What for?!
Don't yell.
I just don't want him to see the news.
He's our Shaggy-o. He's Ukrainian!
He was born here, but all of his relatives are there.
And for how long can you marinate him like this?
I don't know.
I am ashamed and afraid to tell him that Russia has invaded Ukraine.
I lied to him that forces have withdrawn,
that it was all fake, that it was all hysteria.
that everything is over, so now let's go get drunk and celebrate.
Dude, that's brutal.
What if something's actually happened to his family?
So I found out! They're in Poland,
and they're ok, to the extent that's possible.
I warned them that Shaggy will call them later
And what about tomorrow? He'll wake up and go online right away!
I turned off the WiFi.
And his phone is dead anyway.
I told him we don't have any of those idiotic Apple chargers.
Good luck! Although imho it won't work.
Why won't it work? You know you can't tell him!
He has heart issues!
This news will kill him!
Should have killed someone else instead though...
Damn, I got wasted last night.
What did I do that for?
Any news? My phone is dead.
Everything is awesome and normal!
World peace, friendship, bubblegum!
.They waved their fists and then broke it up and left.
Don't go to work, btw.
They all have corona right now.
Here, I printed you a letter.
"Shitsoft company is in quarantine. Don't come to work for a month. Signeded Director"
See, it's signeded... What? "Signeded"?
Oh, it should be "signed". The printer misspoke...
I mean, misp-p-printed.
Why did you print this out for me, anyway?
Our router is down, I used my phone
They promised to bring a new router any, any any... tomorrow.
Crazy, what will I do without the internet?
Shaggy, eat the sausage! Come on!
I am eating the sausage.
Btw, your neighbor called, he said not to go back for now.
That you've got auhhhh... flooding.
- What flooding? - Flooding, flooding, ding, ding
What flooding ding ding? Someone gimme a phone, I want to make a call!
I'm not ehh... I haven't ehh... I don't ehh...
- And mine is broken... socket ehh... - And mine is something with the charger...
- It's not good... it's a... speaker... - Something is not charging.
- It's not charged and it's got ehh...
- I'll be right back. - Me too.
This is nonsense, we can't keep it up for long.
I will install Civ for him now, it's a crazy long game!
That will last until tomorrow at most, then what?
I can't tell him our insane tsar decided to play Hitler,
that he started a real war in Ukraine, that would kill him!
Sure, it's cool to distract him from such depression,
but who's gonna save me from depression, huh?
I'm also feeling shitty because our dumbass tsar
has stirred up all this bullshit!
He's destroyed our country, first of all, and killed the future of our children!
People are dying from bombs over there!
And you're the one who needs support?
We should have fought the Fuhrer harder!
While he was still at Buchau!
But we were all nO PolltIcS pLs No PoLiTiCs!!!
So here is the result of "no politics"
This is where our fault lies.
Yes. Seems you are right.
I propose we infect Shaggy with corona!
Oh, good idea!
No, Kolobuhin, I'm not crazy.
Yes, I'm really asking for this.
Yes, to spit out the window onto my plate.
You've got corona, I've heard, right?
Just don't tell anyone.
I will give you steampunk goggles in return, ok? Let's do it.
Oh, yuck.
Are you seriously baking a sick idiot's phlegm in our oven?
Have you completely lost your mind, like Putin?
I didn't touch anything, I'm making a bioactive powder.
I'm about to take a mallet to the back of your neck!
My nape?
No, cute children have a nape, you've got a fat old neck.
You've killed all the viruses by heat, idiot!
You'll be feeding your friend empty phlegm.
Oops. What should I do, then?
Let's rig up the thermometer.
You just stuck some paper on it, stupid! Anyone could see it!
I hid his glasses.
He can't read without his glasses.
What? Hrundel, you moron!
What did you turn off the internet for, then?
You could have just hidden his glasses.
I didn't think of that.
Aww. What a moron!
You should apply to be the tsar, Hrundel.
You've got all the parameters.
You don't seem to think at all.
Listen, now my glasses are missing.
Something weird is happening, I'm going home.
No, no, no!
Why not?
You've got a fever, you got corona!
Look, Hrundel took your temp. Hrundel, give us the thermometer.
- Where's the damn thermometer? - Oh, right!
I don't think I took my temperature...
Hrundel took it for you... from the back of your neck!
- My nape? - No cute children have...
...nevermind, here, lie down. Sleep a bit more.
Why should you lie around at home all alone with corona,
no one around to even bring you water.
What if there are complications?
Just lie here. Want valerian root tea?
I'm feeling kinda fine, really.
Lie down, it's Omicron, a treacherous thing!
You smoking again?
Give me a break, Hrundel!
Smoking is such a minor thing these days.
The whole damn world is falling apart.
What's on the news, then?
How should I put this...
Even to pronounce it is kinda...
One thousand deaths.
Bombed-out, burnt cities and villages.
Millions of refugees.
The whole world is against Russia. All of it!
And here we get imprisoned for the most minor dissent.
It's time for you to sing your song
Like, "this time it is shite for real"" Something like that.
Now we are buggered, Now we are buggered,
Now we are really very really deeply buggered...
Yeah, it doesn't seem all that funny.
It's a real, all-out war...
Like in the 40s. Only this time the fascists are us, it seems.
And also this symbol, Z. You know what that really is?
It's half a swastika.
No, I am no fascist!
I'm just unlucky to be born in a country that has never seen freedom.
We have a tyrant, a paranoid schizo, a dumbass shitlord doing all kinds of shit.
whatever his left leg decides to do.
In short, I have to go.
Keep an eye on Shaggy and the kids. I won't be gone long.
- Where are you going? - To Moscow.
Listen, how long are you gonna drag things out?
Why won't you give me a phone? Where's the internet?
Why won't the TV work? Why won't you let me out?
Alright, Shaggy...
I'll tell you the truth, but on one condition.
What?
You will not go home. You will stay with us.
Strange...
Anyway! Ahmm...
Shit! How do I even start?
Anyway, shit's fucked.
It's happened. A total fuckup.
Turn on the internet now.
But your folks are fine! I checked! They left for Poland!
A final solution to the Ukrainian question!
Yes to war!
Bombs and rockets for Ukrainian children!
People Zehind the fuhrer!
The whole world are Nazis! Except for us!
We will catch all the traitors to our nation!
Stalin did nothing wrong!
I made a hideout shelter for you here.
It doesn't look deep, but the back wall is false - lots of room behind it.
We put a mattress for you in there.
You're gonna be just like Anne Frank.
Alright, it's time for school, go!
But wait - remember, this is important!
We have no guests here, only mom and dad.
They both belong to the true people.
Don't forget this. Go on, now.
We have reports that a member of the untrue people is hiding here.
No, what are you talking about? We all support nuclear war!
Death to all, death!
Let's make certain.
Hey dudes, is Putin here?
Hey, look, it's Masyanya! Heheh.
Say "go fuck yourself, director!"
So is he here or not?
No. He's in the bunker.
- And where's the bunker? - Here.
I have a present for him, from adoring humanity.
You can come in, you're Masyanya.
Let's go have a smoke.
Hey! Putin! Cuckoo!
Where are you, you bastard?
Putin! Where are you? I've got a present for you!
In accordance with wartime law...
This isn't the end, this isn't the end,
Ah! Here's where you've been hiding, you asshole!
And who are you?
I am the mother of my children and the wife of my husband.
Tell me honestly, murderer, what did you start this war for?
Because they have nazis there!
You can leave that bullshit for your zombies, dude.
There is only one nazi in this situation - you, bitch!
There are no nazis there, tell the truth!
Then why the hell do they live free?
And don't listen to me, the great emperor?
Our vassals see this, and they will also want the same! That's what!
So you wanted to reinforce your throne?
Using hundreds of dead Ukrainians and thousands of dead Russian boys?!
Are you insane?
Not only to reinforce, but to win glory!
As you know, we're all taught in childhood that
Those who are helping others Are wasting precious time!
You simply can't get famous By treating people fine.
You have blundered into countless war crimes against humanity, asshole!
You bastard! Like Hitler, Pol Pot, Mao Zedong, Osama bin Laden...
You are in their fellowship now
But they left me no choice!
I have brought you a choice.
I have brought the most reasonable decision, the only correct one.
Here. - What is that?
This is a Japanese shortsword, a wakizashi.
It's like a katana in form, but short.
It's convenient for, well... you probably understand.
For the only good decision of your life, understand?
I'm gonna go. You're a monster, Putin, admit it!
Thousands of innocent people are dying, you moron.
Because of you!
Because of your bloated inferiority complex.
and your pathetic vanity! Chao! Forever, I hope.
Hello! Why are you all sitting in the open like this?
If someone sees you, they will snitch on you!
What, did your phone die on the way back?
Well, yeah. What did I miss?
So, Hrundel... shall we tell her the news,
or hold her up for a few days like you did me?
Nah, I'll tell her, it's good news after all!
Come here real quick.
Well. I was... I was very convincing.
This is good news, of course, excellent even!
But it'll be a while before our lives are normal, even so.
They say someone brought him a sword, right to his bunker.
Interesting. I wonder who it could be?
Hope they catch the bastard.
(c) Oleg Kuvaev
Thanks to patrons on patreon.com/kuvaev and the "Transilvaniya" group (Odesa)
Subs from the YouTube channel, revised by Niffiwan (April 2025)